Occasionally, the county jail gives me a call because they’re about to release a prisoner and he/she might be whacked out. Can I come do a mental health exam? And like the county bitch I am, I come running.
This particular day, I ask the female prison guard who and why I’m there to evaluate. She’s trying very hard to keep a straight face as she explains…
Prison guard: “Well, we were about to let him go when a pretty woman walked by. We noticed him acting strange then we…saw he was masturbating.” She glances over at his cell. “Aaaand now he’s looking at you.”
Me: “Lovely. Well can you please have an officer tell him to put it away, or else I won’t see him and he can just stay in here?”
Prison guard: “Gotcha. Oh, and don’t shake his hand.”
And he did ask to shake my hand. Twice. I politely declined.
The prison staff had given him a cute nickname- Sticky Ricky.